Because Linda asked...

In my previous post today Linda asked if the old boyfriend pictured was the ElCamino short-shorts guy that she's heard tell of.

Um, no. This is ElCamino short-shorts guy.

My son in law Clayton loves this picture and he keeps promising to show up at my door someday rocking some short shorts with Journey cranking on a boombox in the back of an ElCamino. Should he be teasing his mother in law like that?!

That's love, baby

Mike and I just got back from a romantic little trip to the home fix-up store. We had planned to have some fun together today but a broken kitchen faucet (read: kids with poor touch perception who slam the water on and off) had other plans for us. We were both dressed in our grubbies and wandering up and down the aisles muttering about prices and empty checking accounts when we ran into one of my old boyfriends and his nice little family.

This was us back in the day (with a little doctoring of the photo to protect his identity.) I've been 5'9" since 7th grade and this was the tallest guy I ever dated. His hair was blonde and feathered and my hair was...well...big and hairsprayed.

I thought as we stood and talked to him and his wife for 20 minutes about how I blessed I am to have married Mike. This guy was nice and all, but we had some significant differences in our spiritual beliefs and we were headed in two separate directions, even way back then.

Mike must have felt the need to spoil me a little today because he bought and is installing a new garbage disposal to replace the one that broke some 5 years ago. That's love, baby.

Seeking wisdom, not answers

Mike and I were licensed for foster care 20 years ago when we were both 23 years old. Our first placement, that took place literally as the ink dried on our license, was a 17 year old girl. We had completed our 20 hours of training and our home inspection and we were already parenting a couple of toddler "homemade" children so we were ready for this, right?!

We thought we knew a lot back then, but the most important understanding that I have gained over the years is that it is what you learn after you know everything that matters.

I cringe when I think of some of the flubs that we made over the years but I am ultimately grateful for those experiences as they gave me insight beyond the workshops and books. Those years of hands on learning from hurt children helped me develop a sense of what "fit" with my experiences and what didn't so that I did not simply accept what I was told in trainings by "experts".

I knew people who took out second mortgages on their houses to afford sending their children who had been diagnosed with attachment disorders to the miracle clinic featured in that made-for-TV movie all those years ago. There the children would be bound and constricted which would bring about rage and after the rage had been expelled the child was "rebirthed" all shiny and new. Until one died of suffocation during the process. And others started talking.

My experience told me that this miracle therapy was not the answer. Healing came slowly and through the building of relationships, not the tearing down of the child.

The experts I learned from had experience that went beyond any letters that happened to be behind their names. And like the healing process, the process of gaining insight and wisdom is a painfully slow and seemingly unending one.

Take a few minutes to read what Mary the Mom wrote this morning . I especially thought about what she wrote in #9 because what I have learned in my years as a trainer is that I must touch on what the parent already knows and help them develop an even deeper insight into the needs of the child because that is ultimately more powerful than me simply spewing information at them.

I know that I continue to learn every single day and from every person I meet on this journey. I burst through the gate in a sprint, knowing it all, then I slowed to a jog and started asking questions. I am now strolling along this path, taking in each new experience fully and no longer simply looking for answers, but seeking wisdom instead. And that has made all the difference.

Still thinking...

I've been doing a lot of thinking this week and I'm no closer to a decision than I was a few days ago. This blog has been my journal, a collection of my feelings and experiences, but it is not the place for me to write about everything. The problem is that writing helps me think. I'll have to grab a tablet of paper and pencil and go old school on this one. I need to organize my thoughts and see them in black and white because this swirling gray is driving me crazy.

There are two other things that help me think...talking with friends and baking. We're spending the day with Linda's family today so last night I whipped up a killer chocolate chip cheesecake. The kids are excited about seeing Andrew and Bug again and I'm really looking forward to some time with Linda...and cheesecake.

Katie and Clayton are taking the kids on a cave exploring adventure tomorrow so Mike and I are working on a day-without-kids-to-do-list. (I think Mike's list might have an adult rating but mine is definitely G rated!) We had planned to go camping this weekend but because I spent most of the week pacing, not planning, we will be staying home. That's OK, maybe we'll finally get the hallway and trim in Ben's room painted and the windows cleaned. Scrubbing windows sounds strangely therapeutic right now.

Service Learning and Lemonade

Ben and Claudia's son Wilson are in the same summer school program and today was one of their service learning days. They had a lemonade / rootbeer float stand downtown to benefit the Red Cross and recent tornado victims. Mike and I had a 15 minute date during the day to enjoy a rootbeer float together and to force the boys to pose for a picture. Aren't they adorable?! And such great businessmen!

I'm going Friday

It has been a long and difficult day. Anna and Ben were exploding off each other all afternoon and Anna is experiencing a little regression again. OK, a lot of regression. We had to cancel supper plans with Claudia because we didn't dare leave the house tonight.

I've got some things to think about right now and between the kids and the thinking I have a heck of a headache. I sometimes wish that God would send a neon billboard to tell me which direction to take. Speaking of directions, here's what Anna said when my mom and dad stopped by to drop off the plants we're babysitting while they head north for the next 2 months...

"Grandma, I know which way is west! It's that way (pointing out one of our kitchen windows) and that is east (pointing 90 degrees in the other direction)! And that way (spinning around and pointing in the opposite direction) is Friday!"

I think that's the direction I'm going to take. I'm going Friday.

Complicated life, messy kitchen

I had another long work day yesterday. I need to take some time today to catch up on family stuff and to clear my head and make some important decisions. I will probably have to bake something since that's when I do my best thinking. Too bad that always leads to eating. Sigh.

On Sunday we had Anna's birthday party with her birthdad, his 2 other daughters and his parents . They came to our house this time. We all call Anna's paternal grandparents Grandma (first name) and Grandpa (first name) and Anna calls her birth father by his first name. Anna's half sisters are adorable and Anna is developing a friendship with a biological cousin who is her same age. Our family has grown in size and complexity over the years but it is all about what is best for our kids.

Anna's grandmother has Celiac Disease and has to eat a gluten-free diet. Anna and I looked up a recipe for a gluten-free carrot salad and Anna did most of the preparation herself! (She also helped me with the extensive clean up effort!)

Pssst- wanna know the answer?

In the first few minutes of yesterday's training a parent who had been advocating for her child in the school system broke down in tears and told of her frustration. Heads nodded all over the room. Except for a man in the back. His face was red and his body language told me that he was angry. And then he spoke...

"I'm a teacher" he said, "and I want to know just what I'm supposed to do with these kids in my classroom! I looked through your power point notes and I see 3 slides on strategies. Three slides! I don't want to leave here without you giving me more than that."

I smiled inside because I now had my challenge for the day. I assured him that we would talk strategies all the way through the six hour training and that those "strategy slides" are just summaries of what they'll come to understand as they learn the reasons behind the behaviors.

At the end of the day this man came to the front to turn in his evaluation and he asked for my card and said, "I've been going to professional conferences for almost 20 years and this was the best one I've ever attended."

I say over and over again in my trainings that I struggle. People have called me an "expert" on FASD, but what I really am is a mom who is learning everyday to become an expert on my children. And that's what I teach.

It is important to learn about neurological impairments like FASD and to learn about what happens to children who experience early life or prenatal trauma, but the truth is that no "expert" can give you a cookbook approach to solve every behavior problem! What people need is insight that comes from experience, stories that they can relate to, and the knowledge that they aren't alone and that every single one of us raising (or teaching) children with FASD is sometimes found weeping in a puddle on the floor or screaming into a towel in the bathroom.

The answers we so desperately seek will never be found in bulleted lists or in power point notes, folks. It is only through our relationships, with our children and each other, that we discover them.

My training and Anna's tiara

I left the house at 7am and got home at 6:30pm....an almost 12 hour work day. But I had a blast!

I presented a full day training in the metro area for foster and adoptive families. The group was engaged and asking questions and telling stories. What great people!

I got home and Mike and the kids had cleaned the house and the yard, ordered pizza and had invited Katie and Clayton and my parents over for supper!

My mom has a good camera and I asked her to take pictures tonight for an article I wrote that will be in Fostering Families Today magazine later this summer. I asked Anna if she would stand by the chore chart for a picture. She insisted on the tiara but then I told her that it made the flash too bright so we took one for the magazine without it. :-)

My favorite Michael Jackson song

In case you haven't heard, Michael Jackson died today. This was from a long time ago, but it is my favorite song of his. I wonder why.